Coffee Shop Etiquette

This little princess works in a coffee shop (as a supervisor, of course) and am therefore an expert on coffee shop etiquette and would like to educate the masses. Well, what I am really going to do is bitch about work, but it sounds better if I say I want to teach some etiquette. Here it goes.

NEVER be rude to people who make your coffee. Do you know how easy it is to make a drink decaf? You will never taste the difference and two hours later when you are crashing from lack of caffeine I will still be at work, laughing maniacally at your downfall. Point for the barista.

It is standard to ask for every customer's name. Do not assume that because I work behind a counter I do not know how to spell. "My name is Brad. B-R-A-D." To which I will respond, "Yes, that is how you spell that," and proceed to decaffeinate your drink. If your name is difficult to spell, THEN you can spell it out, or better yet, choose a "coffee name" and tell me that.

If you place your order while talking on your cell phone, not only will you be given decaf, I will be staring at you the entire time, trying to make your clothes light on fire with my mind.

Sage advice: know what you are ordering (or at least inquire). Do not order a cappuccino because it sounds fancy. "Can I get a cappuccino with no foam." "Actually, you can't." "What?" "Nevermind." = Decaf latte.

More sage advice: never tell baristas that we made your drink incorrectly. The remake will be decaf, trust me. If something is wrong with your drink (assuming it IS your drink and you didn't take someone else's drink like a dumb ass) then politely say that something doesn't taste right and ask us to remake it.

Anyway, there are plenty of other ways to piss off your local baristas. The best way to make sure you are getting your caffeine is to just not be a bitch. Can't come down off of your bitch chair for that long? Then either invest in an espresso machine for your house or start drinking tea...unfortunately there is nothing I can do to the tea...trust me, I've tried.

In parting, always remember, hugs not drugs...unless they're prescription, because this princess loves his percocet.

I Spy, Las Vegas

As a member of the Fashion Police, I would like to post a disclaimer: I can neither afford, nor am I extremely familiar with, name brands (specifically as "sung" about by Fergie and the rest of the Peas in "My Humps"); however, I do know, by virtue of being a gay man, what looks good. Yes, all gay men know what looks good, we are genetically predisposed to this. When the Human Genome project finally locates the gay gene, right next to it they will find the fashion sense gene...I am sure of it. "What about the unfortunate looking gays?" you may be wondering. Just like with all humans, genetic mishaps occur. But I digress.

I recently went on vacation to Las Vegas for Halloween weekend. I saw many fashion faux pas, including, but not limited to: socks with sandals (only hippies are exempt from this rule), too tight clothing on too unattractive a person, accidental belly and/or ass crack peep shows, white pants after Labor Day, popped collars (I personally never thought this was okay, even when it was generally accepted. A popped collar = "I'm a douche and will put rohypnol in your drink"), and heterosexual public displays of affection (from now on will be abbreviated as HPDAs on this blog). Luckily for me, I was traveling with another gay man and could bemoan all of these things to him. Without that outlet I would have been forced to walk up to every single one of those popped collars and punch them in the face.

Last but not least, I want to talk about the costumes I encountered in Vegas, specifically as worn by the gays. (I know that what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas, but gays are exempt from this rule thanks to the clap...hello, penicillin.) I know "Mean Girls" covered this topic for high school girls, but I am now rehashing it for the gays. Putting on themed underwear and body glitter while holding a prop now constitutes a costume. I think the goal of these boys would have been faster accomplished had they all laid face down on the floor and stuck their asses in the air. (Note, this bad taste does not contradict the "Gays Know What Looks Good" rule as these costumes looked damn good). Some of you may think I was just jealous that I had not thought of the camouflage underwear with bullet belt and aviators costume first or that I may not have the body to pull it off (ask me for a picture and I just might prove you wrong!) but that is not true! Remember the title of this blog, ladies and gays. As a princess, I am also a lady and therefore I just don't do that!

In parting, always remember, ladies cross their ankles and whores cross their legs.

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